Wandering Wonders

I see the path

Everything looking back looks scattered

Like the rust-colored leaves that whirl and tumble and fall.

I’m caught in a photo sepia toned

The wind blows heavily

I look back

Over my shoulder, but not like Lot’s wife, no.

I look back to say thanks to you.

Don’t know no other way to express my gratitude.

Life giving, life changing, ever breathing, ever being

You’ve taken a sharpie and edited the page

I can’t erase the lines you’ve made

The marks are dark and deep, chiseled across my soul

Cried out to you to release me from my dreams

Yet they haunt me like an unwanted child

Born a bastard, destined to live and bloom

Despite the eye of the ungrateful mother.

Yet when I look at her I see

Your piercing eyes staring back at me.

Stare on, stare on my God.

When I look at her I see you.

Apprehensions and Misgivings

I forgot to say this earlier! On December 27th, I left Office Depot after 5 and 1/2 years there, without having a job lined up, because I knew that it wasn’t the field in which I wanted to be employed.  But secretly, earning my TEFL in Prague had scared the living daylights out of me— and I was holding onto Office Depot because I didn’t know how good of a teacher/tutor I could be, even though it’s something I’ve wanted to do since ninth grade.

So I decided I was going to dodge both and go be an au-pair in New Zealand, but it was only a matter of days before I knew inwardly that I didn’t want to got to New Zealand for the sake of New Zealand– I wanted to go there as an escape from things I hadn’t dealt with, particularly whether or not I would be an adequate ESL teacher or the mundaneness of life here in Auburn.  I realized that where I really wanted to be, would be Central/Eastern Europe again. But that dream was good enough for me to wait and do it right. And I also realized that in order to see that dream actualized, I needed to save up money.  The only problem is I was now without a job.

Waiting

So I started praying and applying.  The first day I prayed, I got a job at AUM in the ESL department. I “just happened” to run into the Department head at AUM, and he asked me if I could start a couple of days later. The only problem was that I now had a job, but it was only an hour and a half per week.  I went 5 weeks without another job.  I applied to some places, but honestly trusted that Abba would provide for me and so I didn’t have to worry.  There was a strange healthy balance of trusting and waiting. I made flyers and made business cards, looking hopefully ahead to what He would do if it pleased Him.  I canvassed the campus and hung a flyer up at Cambridge.

The Promise

One night we were at Bible Study and Ashley B. walked up to me and prophesied.  She told me that I would have so many jobs, all at once— so many that I would have to turn a lot away. Now I believed that Abba was going to bless me, but part of me felt like this was Ashley trying to make me feel better? But boy, was I wrong.

I decided to make a week trip to Baton Rouge to see Heather, with the hopes that I would have a job when I returned. But I didn’t just have one; I returned on Friday and met six new students on Sunday.  They all were responding to one flyer– the flyer I posted in Cambridge. I also got offered a job at Cornerstone in the CMO programme, watching four and five year olds.

In the next week or two, I helped edit a paper, and added students. It’s only been about a  month  now, and I have begun to turn down students. I only teach a class of about seven students at AUM, but I currently tutor twelve pupils privately, some for up to eight hours a week. And then there’s all the preschoolers I see on Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday!   This is crazy and utterly profound, that He would encourage my self-employment endeavors (scary!) in a time of economic crisis. I just wanted to let you know of this miracle! And it’s also so refreshing. I am tired all the time, but I am worn out doing something that I love!

Formal Apologies

I haven’t written a very meaty, heartfelt blog in a while. Some people are like onions and have several layers which you must peel or break through in order to get to know them (I owe this analogy to Dan and Shrek).  And then other people, such as myself, are rather transparent almost immediately.  But the neat thing about this is that I have been growing and learning. I’ve been learning to say things I never would have had the courage to say before, and to keep secret the beautiful mysteries of the heart. I remember one day my devotion was on God revealing the depths of His heart to us, and us keeping his mysteries as a confidante. And since I haven’t always been the most discerning, it’s been hard for me to pick and choose exactly what and to whom I should reveal. Thus, I haven’t blogged in a while.  So my apologies to the editorial “you.”

Recent Blunders

Recently I have found myself dishing out a lot of apologies. Nearly all have been what I like to call “heart matters”. Three times, I’ve been a confidante. One time, an accidental heart breaker and a close call dream smasher. Another, wrongfully accused of being a closed person. Another time, I was correctly called out for having the attention span of a gnat. And another time,  I was a catalyst for change. And I would argue that it was all on accident, if indeed there were such a thing (except for the whole gnat-attention-span thing). But I digress.

The point is that in all of this, I have had to remember that I am not called to be understood. I am called to follow. And to follow a man, and nothing and noone else. I think this idea sprang from My Utmost For His Highest, Day 2.28. It says that a saint’s easily ridiculed because they act in obedience to the Lord, which cannot be as easily defended as acting on morals alone. It also comes from day seven.fourteen, which says this:

It is not your duty to go the second mile… but if we are disciples, we shall always do these things. There won’t be a spirit of ‘Oh, well, I cannot do anymore, I have been so misrepresented and misunderstood.’Everytime I insist upon my rights, I hurt the Son of God; whereas I can prevent Jesus from being hurt if I take the blow myself… the teaching of the Sermon on the Mount is– Never look for justice, but never cease to live it.

And so I’ve been very drained by others and have had my fair share of “patience tests.” haha. But I have also unlearned so much.  I am very glad for this unlearning process. And what I love the most is that the confrontations I dread, he transforms into light. I shouldn’t fear.  They always, somehow, point back to him.

Heart Matters

While my personal “romantic” feelings are currently a closed book, particularly to the public, I can talk about the ladies in my life all day!  haha. I love my friends.

One of my favorite friends (they’re all favorites, but she has a special place because of all the dreams that we have shared) is Heather D.  Everytime I get near her there’s a certain amount of contagion that spreads to me.  She has a childlike faith in Abba, and because of that things start happening. Just recently she was physically healed. Go ahead and ask her about it firsthand. Better yet, ask her doctor!  And she is studying Korean right now, exercising a belief that she may go to South Korea. And we are dreamcasting years and years in advance with one another.

And then there’s Miss Jennifer Givens, who has encouraged me greatly over the past few years. Basically she has been key in weaning me away from the orphan mentality I have held for the longest time.  And she has also helped me to realize how beautiful I am as a byproduct of me knowing Abba as Abba. 

And recently there’s been Kara the songbird, and Ashley the prophetess, who speaks her own sins away into the frigid air and pulls them out of my own heart. Somehow. Unknowingly.

And Sarah, “Cambridge Sarah”, who is so raw and beautiful.  She reminds me of what exactly beauty is. And I like her size, her strength!

But the most influential person in my life in the past few weeks has been one of my students. She has learned English so quickly and we hang out in our free time.  She is a joy to be around. her life is clearly sheet music that must be played by many.  I don’t think I can explain her; I think you will just have to meet her. I am to the point of tears. Abba is so good! Every time I am upset about one student that I have, a little boy who hates reading in English, who may very well have a speech impediment, who today was weeping but didn’t know how to use enought English to tell me why, well– I think of her. I have no idea how that has anything to do with the little boy, but somehow I am hopeful for him by her example, even though I take the success of my students very personally. I am praying that he will warm up to me.  His mom doesn’t know enough English for me to ask her about how long they’ve been here, how many books he has, and his academic progress, but I am hopeful!

It snowed today, the 1st of March. It was beautiful. And I got to watch “the guys” pelt each other with the snow, a major highlight! haha.

Yesterday we had two tornadoes hit– one right near Chewacla Park.  

And I drove through the storm on my way to AUM.  

The weather has been crazy and it has reminded me of how powerful our God is.  When the sirens were going off yesterday morning, and the ran was hitting hard against our house, i felt so calm. And later he calmed the storm. And the day was a beautiful spring day. Today it’s snowing.