Wandering Wonders

Okay, I confess:  I DON’T have permission to publish this post, but it is WORTH posting.  This is an excerpt of what a good friend wrote me in response to this blog:

Soooo,
here’s what I’ve been thinking. So this dude comes to Jesus and is banging on about forgiveness and jesus says to him ‘these two dudes owed this other guy money. one owed him fifty bucks and the other one owed him 500 bucks. the guy forgave both of their debts – who do you think loves him more?’ and the other guy Jesus was talking to says ‘obviously the one who got forgiven more’.

You’re in the same boat my wonderful southern friend. If jesus said to you ‘two people grappled with faith. one person thought about it for 2 secs and then jumped in quickly, the other one struggled with all the realities of sin and really living this life and saw what it meant in the lives of her friends and in their struggles and exercised her heart and her mind really hard trying to figure out all of the implications of this life for broken people…’ Jesus’d ask, ‘So who do you think really managed to get their head and their heart around what I’m all about?’. You’d have to answer that it’s the one who struggled with this whole thing.

Somehow we’ve developed this culture where, unless you go along quietly and dont’ challenge or push out the boundaries, you’re seen as a maverick and a sinner. Which is the COMPLETE opposite of how jesus was. You’re in good company Jess.

Man, you’re blog has been resounding around my head for days aye… And the bottom line is still the same – Jesus came to offer life and hope and a ridiculously extravagant love to people who’re broken and who don’t think they deserve it or who think that what they’ve got going on is insurmountable or who feel like they’re living a lie or can’t understand why they’re not wired up like everyone else.

Jesus came to be one thing, the son of God who just, simply, and purely loves me. and you. and your friends. and my wierd messed up mates. This thing starts with love. The rest doesn’t matter, because all you have to do is start with Jesus love and let the rest fall into place one step at a time – it doesn’t matter if you’re gay, or a hooker, or some kid who’s screwing anything that moves, or a junkie, or a homeless guy who abandoned his family or whatever. You just start with this ridiculously oversighted and illogical love of Jesus and the rest follows.

The bottom line is that Jesus came to be the King of hearts, not logical common-sense. Logical common-sense would never love someone like me, or a homeless dude who lets gay guys screw him on the streets of Edmonton to get money for beer (like a homeless guy I met last night). but Jesus does. You can philosophise all you want about how the church sucks, or so many different people don’t fit into this culture (maybe your southern baptist respectable church culture) but jesus never begged me to come be a part of this culture, he just begged me to let his ridiculously extravagant love engulf me even though I’m worthless.

In the coffee shop today I ran into two friends and we talked for a long time about some very interesting topics— kayaking, rapids, art, shellac, God, love, drinking, road trips, wanting to go to Canada… you know, all the essentials. One of my friends left and I had time to just sit and talk to the other. He had some very interesting things to say, and for some reason my heart took it all in.

He told me about this girl he had loved unconditionally, was engaged to, and had moved down here to be with him. At first things were fine, but then they flopped… and she knew they weren’t supposed to be together. At first he was confused and hurt and tried to tell her that she wasn’t hearing God straight. But then they broke up… and, well, in hindsight he realizes that there were some major compatibility issues.

There were a few things he said that are still resounding in my brain.

“Well there’s this one part…” and then he told me this story he read in Blue Like Jazz. He then explained that when you have unconditional love, you give the other person the right to completely walk away or stab you in the heart. While he was going through the break up, he realized he loved her as unconditionally as he could and still be human. But he also realized she didn’t quite love him the same. He was broken and confused and upset. And I’m sure God even took some of the blame. But then…

He realized there was a parallel going on. Jesus had loved him the same way. And that opened up a door of both understanding and reception of God’s love. Then he was able to change the way he saw himself.

He explained how we as people are relational. He said he often ranks how important he is by the way people love him. That’s why when Paul urges believers to love one another, it’s so vital. Abba KNOWS we’re relational and we tend to derive a sense of worth from others. But then my friend explained how we must get our sense of worth from God. When we marry people, our worth isn’t wrapped up in that person. We receive a new identity, but we still pick up very much of our old lives where we left off. And that person isn’t a savior to save us from that. And as humans we can never love completely unconditionally. That’s why it’s so important where we stand with God.

He also told me about how he viewed God. He said that as things grew sour in his relationship, he noticed a change in the way he approached God. First he worshipped God for who He was, and what he had done for him. Then he worshipped God according to conditions.. “God, I thank you that you’re going to do THIS for me…”

This really resounded in my heart. I mean, how many times have I done that? How many times have I said exactly that, dangling a condition in the face of the God who loves me… without.

~*0*~

We also talked about living in Florida and Colorado (both of us lived in each at one point.) I talked about when I asked for the mountains. He talked about the mountains. He told me about his life before he became a believer, and how different he was. He said as an unbeliever he had loads of fun in Colorado and easily recognized the beauty of it all. But then he said that he could go to that same mountain range now, being in touch with the God who created it all, and see a much deeper and satisfying beauty. I thought about when I was in Colorado and was in the perfect and complete will of God… and how beautiful those mountains were to me. They were my solace and refuge. A snow storm was a blanket around my house, ensuring that I could have fun and not do schoolwork that entire day! The beauty of it all was too much. His words were a refreshing flashback of all that I’ve seen and been through.

I then proceeded to tell him what an idiot I had been. I told him about my three and a half year obsession with someone… and how it kept me from dating for four years. What caused me the most turmoil and anxiety is now seen by me as shameful and sheer stupidity. And I feel like I wasted so much good time by caring for him so freely. That’s three and a half years I can’t take back—half the time it took Jacob to get Leah.

Then he said that it couldn’t have been completely wasted because I had learned something from it. (HAHA. This is the pat Christian answer that people give you when you do something stupid that can’t be revoked…) But he’s right. I had learned a lot. I learned what the cost of disobedience to God was and how it made you feel on the inside… it felt like a growing tumor gnawing away at my insides. I learned what it was like to care for someone who treated you like wallpaper. And then I learned what it was like to put all your worth and trust in one person who was bound to disappoint you. I felt ugly, because he wasn’t attracted. I was so blind. People prayed, and nothing happened. “He’ll come to”, they said and prayed, but now I know that I was wrong.

I also read MUFHH. Good ole Oswald said, “If I put my trust in human beings first, I will end in despairing of everyone; I will become bitter, because I have insisted on man being what no man ever can be—absolutely right. “

And in my journal I had remarked earlier, “But I am NOT defined by what I am not. And understanding this truth is a huge part of becoming whole. I had to stop living in reaction and start letting a vision for what lies ahead pull me forward.” (Rob Bell.)

Also… ‘It is NOT true that God wants to teach us something in our trials. Through every cloud he brings, he wants to unlearn something.” MUFHH

And… “Unless we look at the darkest, blackest fact full in the face without damaging God’s character, we don’t know Him.” MUFHH

And so,… [my] job is the relentless pursuit of who God made [me] to be. And anything else [I] do is sin and [I] need to repent of it. Rob Bell.

Whew. What a realization. My job is to look forward and pursue God. I’m not defined by who I am not. I don’t need more learning. I need to unlearn the untruth. And I don’t really know Abba unless I can stare at him intently in the face while being surrounded by the menacingly ugly facts of life— and these facts not change the way I look at him.

Heather and Ada:

The dreams are coming true. You had a dream, Ada, about me being threshed like wheat. And Heather, you interpreted that dream I had many months ago about me vomiting out brown water. At the time I thought your answer was a bit silly, but still journaled on it. Now I look back at that entry and see that those questions are still unclear to me and have only fueled the fire. So pray that the brown water would keep spewing out like unwanted saliva until it’s gone. Then I can replace it with the clean water because then I will be thirsty. (Isaiah 55).

I’m home again, and restless.  I might go to either Florida or Louisianna on Wednesday around noon and come back on Saturday.  Still trying to decide, although I really need to see the Northeastern States.

If I end up going to the beach, it’s gonna be really fun…. hmmm….

So I’m back in the states. Europe was so beautiful (or at least the three Schengen States I saw anyhow.) I can’t believe I left. I just have to keep telling myself, “I’m doing this for China. I’m going to the Olympics. China. 65 days. Whew.”

I can’t wait to go to China, but honestly I am devastated about leaving Europe. On the plane I started planning everything I am going to see as soon as I come back! I worked out this train route that would lead me around 18 countries in 40 days total. I could spend a little time in each… maybe 2-3 days I am just dreamcasting, and nothing’s set in stone or anything, but dreaming is what sent me to Prague and now China.

And Ada’s the same way. She’s been dreamcasting and she’s about to go to Israel soon. That’s so awesome.

So Im in Budapest right now and everything is so “Budaful”  ;) I have seen so much that I am having a hard time taking it all in.  The more I see of Europe, the more I want to be here.  “Europa” is a cancerous fever that is spreading to my bones.  I have to come back here.  I have to.  This city is a city that I could only imagine in my dreams.  DO people really live in a city amidst all this beauty? Wow.

Imagine thermal baths.  A raging river (the Danube) in all its glory. (Now I know how Mozart felt).  Statues of happy, voluptuous men and women all over the place.  Naked greek gods spitting or peeing.  Cashmere or pashmina adorn the necks of all the tourists.

Where funnel bread actually funnels. Where the celebrate the anounymous with a statue of an ominous looking man.  where the archangel Gabriel looms over the city with a crown, outspread wings, and a glorious gold scepter. And the nine Magyar tribe leaders are set as pillars behind and below.

Where Baroque style is all the rage and so are smiles.  Opera culture.  (Ohh, how I love opera now.)  Where a real castle looms.  Where there’s a bridge with a centerpeice similar to the arc of triumph.  Live music is everywhere.  It’s simply gorgeous.  I can’t get enough of this. 

Goodnight, I must go!